Immediately after a relationship, yes it does. Because we often feel rejected if dumped or competitive if we did the dumping. We want to know to satisfy our own feelings and that’s fair enough. It’s often the case that you spent a good chunk of your life or shared emotions with that person and you were intimate, therefore you want to know who they are sharing those same feelings with and how it’s going.
Obviously it is slightly different if you were dumped because you will want to measure yourself up against them and believe that your ex made the wrong decision. If they have made a bad decision in your eyes then this will make you feel like you have won of course. Deep inside though you will probably long for them to come back tail between their legs, pleading for a second chance – this will empower you of course and make you feel that you are back in control. It’s unlikely to happen though however.
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So you got dumped or did the dumping and now there is an opportunity to get back together. What you have to think about is whether it is right to get back together and why you are going down this road – are you lonely and it’s the easiest option? This is normally the reason, and certainly one you shouldn’t think about. If this is the case get online and find a date or go join a salsa class or something – just put yourself out to meet new people.
I personally don’t go back, I made a pledge to myself never to do so because ‘variety is the spice of life’ in my book and we all need to experience new things to keep motivated.
If however you feel getting back is the right thing to do, then go for it. Here are some pointers for doing so:
Ensure they have the same motivations – why do they want to get back with you, is it for the same reasons as you, if not what are they truly feeling and why are they doing it!
Think with your head rather than your heart – Whilst you obviously like the thought of going out with them again (that’s your heart talking), is your head saying the same thing? Be totally honest with yourself and if there is an element of doubt just don’t go there.
Think about why you broke up – Did either of you cheat or become bored, and if so what’s the likelihood of that happening again? Again, be honest with yourself as the only person who will lose out is yourself.
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The most common question I am asked by singles on the dating scene is what topics of conversation should be raised on a first date.
This is in fact the first problem – you’re thinking too much about the date and therefore you won’t find yourself relaxing and enjoying it so much. YES, you should have an idea about things you want to know about them as well as what you are prepared to share early on, but don’t script the date as you will come across unnatural.
Who knows what they are like and what they may want to talk to you about so don’t worry about it, you’ll only end up coming away kicking yourself and wishing you asked about this and that! You will either get o with them or you won’t and a scripted date almost always ends in disaster.
However, here are some topics you may want to raise on the first date as you will more than likely share them in common and both share opinions, so less likely to dry up:
Hobbies
Job and ambitions
Music
Trips and holiday experiences
Food & cooking
Education
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You’ve dumped them but keep getting texts, calls and the feeling they are watching your every move – they were clearly not ready to break up with you and obviously still have feelings and will no doubt be very jealous.
It can be hugely frustrating based on the fact you will find it difficult to get on with your life and meet new people without your ex interfering.
So what can you do to avoid a clingy Ex? There are a number of rules you should adhere to, here are the main ones:
Honesty – Although the truth may hurt them, they need to know. As long as you can be honest with them they have to respect that. If you give them any false hope or news they will cling. Tell them you like someone else if that is the truth, they will need to know to help the ‘getting over you’ process. If it will never work for you, tell them straight. Hey will hate you at first but then come to realise that it was the best thing. It’s vitally important to give them the reason for the split as this is what they will take away and think about.
Keep your dirty washing to yourself – So you had a tough break up, you will no doubt have mutual friends and it is imperative that you don’t involve them. It’s not nice finding out someone else’s problems, especially when you and your ex are both their friends. Jus try to keep off the subject entirely.
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Posted by Peter Brady on Thu 3rd May 2007 at 08:01 AM, Filed in General Dating
Have you got the big wallet, dashing looks, ability to make everyone laugh all the time? Well I can tell you if you answered YES to all of them it doesn’t make you a good catch I’m afraid. It takes a little more than just these, but I won’t deny they help!
Here are a few things that will make you a great catch in the eyes of your potential partners:
Can you truly be yourself?
They don’t want the ‘big I am’ or the person trying hopelessly to be someone they are not, it’s a turn off. If you can truly be comfortable with who you are and what you believe then you are on the right tracks!
Are you the sensitive type?
Being over emotional is dangerous. There’s a happy medium. Showing sensitivity now and again is in fact a turn on as your partner sees your human side. Don’t be afraid to show them.
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